FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
