you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm too high and old for this...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
