awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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