Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I am available for nakedness
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize