I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
