oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
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