he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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