I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
