the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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