In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
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I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
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Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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