you turned your livingroom into a bong?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Randomize
