i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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