I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
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He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
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He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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