"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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