Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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