If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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