My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.