every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome