I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Even the bartender felt bad for me
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.