He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
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Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
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Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible