no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
