Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
