I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
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But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
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It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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