Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
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