We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
