i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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