If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
