i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
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I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
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How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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