she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
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In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
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You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
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