My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
