New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize