did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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