the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
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Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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