I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
