I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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