You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
