The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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