Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
