Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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