My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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