ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
