those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
