My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice