wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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