So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I think people are normalizing furries
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
