thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
