The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
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