my mouth tastes like poor choices
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.