Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
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I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
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I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?