i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
