She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
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The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
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I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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