Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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