theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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