I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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